How are you doing? Good? Good! There’s some things I think we should talk about.
You know we go way back. From CDs in the mail with internet minutes, from AOL screen names and chatrooms asking ASL, from waiting literally five minutes for a single image to load one line at a time, from the ugliest forums where I could speak with experts on the most obscure subjects, and from web rings where one magical site led to another until hours had taken us down the most bizarre rabbit holes imaginable.
You taught me so much. You had my back with school work. We played video games. You even helped me talk to girls (sort of). And I distinctly remember how we never downloaded any pirated songs, movies, software, or porn. In fact, I don’t even know what porn is, let alone where one would find it…
Those were good times. But you were also there through hard times.
You were there when I was laid out on the couch with a broken foot or a broken ankle. You were there any time something broke and I didn’t have the money to pay someone else. You were there when we got kicked out of the house. You were there when my mom died and I had to grow up way too soon. You were there for my loneliest, saddest moments in life. When I got stuck staring into the void, you were there. And I am grateful for that. I’m grateful for the support, the entertainment, and the distraction.
You helped me build a career. From agency work, to product work. From frontend to backend. From junior to mid to senior to lead. From five-person startups to international corporations. From my silly little open-source side projects to things that millions of people use.
You introduced me to some of the best developers in the world. I wanted to be as good as them, but that wasn’t written in the stars for me. Still, I’m grateful for the opportunities you’ve given me, and I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished.
For over a decade, we built some cool things. We built some crappy things too.
One thing I built was an identity around you. You sparked my creativity, introduced me to new communities, gave me countless hours of fulfilling work/fun, took me to social events, and enabled me to travel around the world and speak to thousands of people like me.
And now, after everything, I think it’s time we take a break.
It feels like you’ve changed. Like all you care about these days is harvesting personal data, creepy targeted ads, misinformation, hate, crypto scams that cause supply-chain issues, AI that overpromises and underdelivers, and algorithms designed to keep me coming back.
How many hours, days, weeks, months, even years of my life have I spent mindlessly scrolling?
Enough, probably. I don’t actually know.
But if I’m being honest with myself, it’s probably not really you. That stuff has been around in different forms sincd forever.
Maybe it’s me that’s changed…
Maybe I’m just tired…
Tired of the latest gossip around people I’ll never meet. Tired of the hustle and the side-hustle and double-dog-backflip-hustle. Tired of tracking pixels. Tired of grifters. Tired of fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Tired of looking down at my phone for “a couple minutes” then looking up forty-five minutes later. Tired of people wanting me to care about everything everywhere all at once, and not like the amazing film, but every single topic from the most important to the most banal. Tired of cringe marketing. Tired of sensationalized news that values speed over accuracy, then fails to make corrections when the truth comes out. Tired of people doing stupid things because of an internet challenge. Tired of very simple discussions blowing up into highly-nuanced political debates, and highly-nuanced political discussions being reduced to spicy sound bites. Tired of comparing my crappy real life to the perfect fake ones I see online. I’m tired of feeling worthless.
I think I’m going to go do something else for a while.
I’m going to get out into the world, feel some grass between my toes, maybe some sand too, who knows.
By the time you read this, Ill already have gone up to Vancouver, Canada to ride my bike to Tijuana, Mexico. I’ll see some cool shit, spend time in nature, get into trouble, and see the other side of my family. The other side of myself. The side I rejected for far too long.
After that, I’m going to keep writing, but this time, just for me. I want to write a poetry book, a memoire, a book of haiku’s, creative essays, journalism, still blogging, so many things. Whatever the fuck I want. I don’t want to worry about to getting clicks or likes or some KPIs. I’ll just put thoughts to words, words to paper (or pixels), and just enjoy it.
Instead of endlessly scrolling algorithm-powered news feeds designed to keep me engaged, I’m scrolling positive affirmations. It’s not as fun or exciting or engaging, but it makes me feel better.
Instead of worrying about everything going all all over the world at the same time, I’m going to do volunteer work to make life a little better for people in my community. It may not save the planet, but at least I’ll be able to see the impact I have. Every piece of trash I pick up feels liberating.
I’m going to keep doing therapy. Lots and lots more therapy.
I’m not sure what will happen after all that. I may come back to tech, I may not. But I kind of want to explore some wild ideas like becoming a hot air balloon aeronaut, or a bicycle tour guide, or a highrise window cleaner, or a search and rescue helicopter pilot. Who knows? Who cares? As long as it enables the life that I want.
(Let’s be honest. It would be hard to walk away from a great career. I’ll probably just do consulting or contract work or something)
One thing I’m pretty certain of, I will not be spending much more of my time on social media. It took me getting off it to realize how much of a negative impact it had on my life. It seems to work for some people, but I dont think it’s good for my brain. It’s too much information too fast, and I’m too easily influenced. Mix that with my addictive personality…no bueno!
I was depressed, burnt out, resentful, constantly anxious, and feeling like I was crazy. I was staring into the void, ready to end it all. It was rough. I almost didn’t make it, and it things kept going, I wouldn’t make it much longer.
I was angry at you for what you took from me. The cost I had to pay for what you gave me for “free”. Hard work, early mornings, late nights, stress, white hair, anxiety, pressure, imposter syndrome, divorce, and nearly my life.
But would I change any of it if I could go back? Hell no. I would do it all over again if I could. It took me a while, but I realized it wasn’t you, it was me. You may be the drug, but I’m the addict. You didn’t take anything. I gave it away freely.
So now, I’m mostly just grateful.
Grateful for the people you’ve connected. Grateful for friends who have started their own dream businesses. Grateful for the spreading awareness of good causes. Grateful for the memes, of course! And I’m grateful for the selfish things too.
You got me out of poverty, let me work abroad so I could see the world, bought me a house, gave me security, and although my past makes me seek stability and security, you also gave me my ultimate desire, freedom to do whatever the fuck I want for a while. You allowed me to get that “fuck you” money. That was the plan this whole time. And now that I’m here, this is the last hard part; breaking the golden handcuffs.
I’m too early in life to retire, and too late in life to put other things off any longer. You’ve given me the chance to take time off and go do whatever I want for a while, and I’m not going to pass it up.
So I want to thank you and all the people that have supported me. Everyone that have helped me climb this mountain. I hope you don’t mind that I didn’t make it to the top, but I got to where I wanted, and that’s good enough. Some of you, I’ve known a long time and I cherish that. Some of you, I’ve only just started to get to know, and I wish we had more time. And some of you, we had our time, and that time has passed, but I still appreciate you.
Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I’m sure we’ll be just fine.
Life has been very serendipitous lately, and I’m going to keep leaning into it as long as it keeps working out. After all, luck is building a bridge of opportunity for chance to one day cross.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. I’ve always wanted to write words that leave a positive impact on the world, but you’ll have to settle for a someone else’s words that left a positive impact on me.
“The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon.”
“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”
“People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.”
“Why do we have to listen to our hearts?” the boy asked.
“Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you will find your treasure.”
“He still had some doubts about the decision he had made. But he was able to understand one thing: making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision.”
Love,
Austin Gil
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Originally published on austingil.com.
