I need to poop.
But not here on this nice patch of grass, no, no, no. That would be much too easy.
No, my artistic flair requires a proper canvas.
There! Over there!
Yes, right over there, across twenty yards of spiky tree balls, which I will stumble over, gracefully, while half crouching, and squeezing my anal sphincter just enough so that it resembles something out of Middle Earth.
Then, even at this crucial, butt-clenching moment…
Before doing the dirty deed…
It is very important that I do three little spins.
You may find it confusing, but for reasons I will keep mysterious, and which some people believe has to do with the Earth’s polarity…or something like that…it is crucial that I do three little spins. Two, if I’m really in a hurry. Minimum one.
And as I squat down into my power pose, over a patch of the most hard-to-pick-poop-out-of plant I could find, I will lose balance and just kind of flop onto the ground as it were my first day on Earth.
Once my work is complete, I will spin once more, a victory lap if you will, then kick a bunch of grass or dirt or bark or whatever I’m standing on all over the place so that my followers will know of my work.
Some detritus may hit you, but it serves you right for standing in the way. Or did I do that on purpose…? I’ll never tell.
Either way, my autograph will land on this masterpiece in the form of the imprint of my paw, as if that were a totally normal thing to do to just step in my own shit. And it’s not because I forgot that I literally just took a shit right there.
Why all the rigmarole?
Is it because everybody knows I won’t be allowed into in the house with shit on my feet?
Is it because getting shit off my feet involves a little foot scrub that makes me feel like a fancy boy?
Is it because who doesn’t like feeling like a fancy boy?
Or because everyone know who’s giving, and who’s receiving this little foot scrub?
Those are good reasons, to be sure, but that’s not why.
It’s because you love me
For all the good
For all the bad
And you know that if you stepped in shit, I’d do the same for you.
Although, if we’re both honest, I’ll probably try to eat it like the weird little fucker that I am